12.07.10

最近東京がつらいと思った時はこれを聴く。



What I have been lacking in my life are slowly being spelled in my brain.

I never take anything serious. Nothing, never.

Work, play, friends and relationships.

It's been like this and I've NEVER had a problem, unfortunately.


I mean I do like all of them, but I've always stressed out about any of them not going in the way I want. What a selfish bastard, eh.

It's this person that I am dating now, who is making me a better person. I've been learning how to really care about the person I like. Every time we have a problem, at least until now, I've been just blaming everything on him and victimized myself; although I am starting to realize, that the problems arise when I make a big deal about all these things. If I had just shut my mouth for a second and swallowed all the words, nothing would have happened.

Luckily, or thank you to P., we are still together. Phew.

I've been hanging out with my best friend Annie from the US, who is visiting me for 10 days. She's the one who's truly supported me in the last 5 years of my life. She's the one who knows the best how much I can get into something and not care about anything else. All the college romances too, of course.

Remembering the part of my life when I was a workoholic and didn't really have a real relationship is a good thing now. It's so different from my life of skipping work and instead facebooking and youtubing all day, or else talking to P; as well as worrying about what P. is doing and who P. is hanging out with etc etc.

What the fuck, I need to get a grip in my life. Perhaps I should start something that makes me think of P. a little less. I should perhaps check my phone every 10 minutes instead of 1.

All my friends that have supported me in the past - it seems as if they have disappeared from my life and I get angry about it, but who is it to blame? - me. I've only been hanging out with P. and have not cared about anyone else at all. Pfff, all the emails I haven't written back to them, are just screaming for my words on my phone and gmail inbox, with 841 unread messages.

My family was so happy to have me back in Japan but I haven't seen them for at least a month. They live only an hour and a half away. My pregnant sister in law doesn't even bother writing me an email anymore because I never write back.

I'm in danger I think. Getting angry for people not caring about me because I never care about them enough.

But before it's too late I've realized and I need to really try all my best to be a better family member, friend and a boyfriend....and an employee of course.

I am just so fortunate to be myself now. Much happier about everything now I have realized this.

I love you everyone, especially my sweetest Puggle <3