It is, it's always been but it won't.

15.01.12

2012-01-14T23:48:00.001-08:00

Nostalgia

The sense of community, which I've longed for for a very long time. I've ways missed this feeling of having a place to go back to.

I am so jealous of people's Facebook updates that say "I am going home!"

I am not so bummed about it though, it's nice that I have good friends everywhere in the world but I just suddenly came to a thought that its something that is letting me down; making me less satisfied with who I am and where I am going. I almost forgot why I came to Japan. I wanted to come back at this age so I am not too old to come back to where my parents are from, where I was born and where my family is.

I just got a job in a field that I am specialized in, with the skills that I have, the languages, and just have been going with it, but slowly I am getting really bored and moreover I am getting frustrated with myself for being less and less interesting everyday.

I am no longer that exotic foreigner and I am expected to know all the social rules. But does knowing the rules mean following them? No.

I am very confused now. I don't know how I should be and hence what I ant to be. I don't know how to expressively anymore because I don't know what I want. I kind of want to ask a random person what I should be and just follow what the person says. I've tried Taft with my friends that I trust a lot but I always ended up bailing out because I believe it's something I should decide myself afterall. Then I do all these things to make myself stronger but I get lazy in the middle and end up hating myself for leaving those things half-ass. Shit, I'm really a mess eh.

So I don't know what I am trying to say nor why I am making this a public statement but I felt like I need to clear this out of my mind and say to myself, JUST DO IT as my former classmate Clara Terne said to me as an advice for how to get things done.

03.01.12

2012-01-03T07:32:00.001-08:00

HAPPY 2012!!!

My goals for this year:
Be on time
Be honest
Be active

22.11.11

2011-11-21T09:00:00.001-08:00

Went to Mt.Takao with coworkers and some artists staying at TWS! My first time going there and it was absolutely beautiful!! I got some two best fortunes so hopefully it will be amazing for the rest of the year!

15.11.11

2011-11-16T16:59:00.001-08:00

There is nothing to be afraid of if you are not scared of losing something. I am not sure if it is anything but my weird pride that is bugging me and preventing me to break out of myself. I've recently lost interest in anything; job, hobby, relationship, friends... I took a trip with my friends and my significant other this past weekend and honestly I couldn't think of anything but whether they were enjoying it. It's really been so the whole time... I am always worrying about whether I am impressing the others well enough... Gag I need to stop this.

11.11.11

2011-11-11T19:17:00.001-08:00

Happy muffin moment it was for me.

09.11.11

2011-11-09T03:03:00.001-08:00

どうしたら

部屋きれいになるんだろう？
友達と仲良くなれるんだろう？
恋人と上手くやってけるんだろう？
時間通りに物事進められるんだろう？
多趣味になれるんだろう？
早起きできるんだろう？
人見知りなくなるんだろう？
物知りになれるんだろう？
余計な事言わなくなるんだろう？
尊敬されるんだろう？
嘘つかなくなるんだろう？
楽しく人生送れるんだろう？

08.11.11

2011-11-08T08:20:00.001-08:00

It's definitely been too long of an escape from reality. It's been over two years since coming back to Japan and I just cannot say in any way I am doing well.

I kind of came to a quick realization of what is happening; I have been somewhat different, in a way a bit cool having lived in different countries and being able to speak some languages well enough to impress people to some level. In reality I ain't no different. I am rather a mean, unconfident and and yet a stuckup person. I have been kind of living comfortably with this fake reputation of being different but I am getting older and I am not new to Japan anymore. I am not that kid that just has just come back from abroad woo.
So I should just live with who I am rather than sticking to my past experienced. This actually is the first time I feel so believe it or not. I am not exotic anymore because of what I have done. It's time that I wake up and actually work hard to be exotic and special. I don't know how I will achieve this, or even whether I will ever, but the first step is to try hard at everything to the point I can say I am good at everything.

05.11.11

2011-11-05T09:55:00.001-07:00

I am sick today and so is the weather.

03.11.11

2011-11-03T05:40:00.001-07:00

Two weekends ago I went to Taipei. It was a magical trip that took me back to Japan at the state it should have always stayed at.

01.11.11

2011-10-31T22:24:00.001-07:00

Twas a great Halloween!!

28.10.11

2011-10-28T04:47:00.001-07:00

20.10.11

2011-10-19T19:22:00.001-07:00

If everything you are doing is not as perfect as you want them to be, do less and make those things perfect.

30.09.11

2011-09-29T17:55:00.001-07:00

Plan things well so you can use your time wisely!!

That's what I learned in New York.

Planning means sorting out the tasks and having goals to achieve, which I have Bren lacking in my life. I should really work hard though, to actually feel like I am getting better everyday.

So at the end of the I can feel like I deserve a cake or two.

28.09.11

2011-09-27T13:40:00.001-07:00

Now I have an iPhone app for blogging I can do this anywhere I want! I hope to update with more stuff later... Nut Facebook, twitter and this... Can I really keep those up? I am not sure.

29.03.11

2011-03-28T10:22:00.001-07:00

there was something wrong with me,
because I once forgot how much I loved them.

25.03.11

2011-03-24T18:38:00.001-07:00

今回の震災で色々考えることが出来た。

その考えられる、将来に希望が持てるということ自体、
感謝するべきだと思う。

今こうやって仕事中にもブログを書いていられる自分。
メールや電話で好きな人に話せる自分。
家族や知り合いに被害がなかった自分。

節電やガス不足、また放射能で不安になることはある。

でも、生きていてしかもやりたいことが出来る自分に感謝。
そして、こういった環境にいられるのも、
今周りにいる友人や家族、そして遠くにいる知り合いのお蔭です。

今の自分に導いてくれた人たち。

迷いはあるけれど、
自分の信じることに突き進んでいきたい。

大丈夫、まだ生きてるから。

21.03.11

2011-03-21T10:29:00.001-07:00

More than a week before the biggest disaster in Japan, since the WWII.

People in Tokyo live in fear;
yet they show no sign of it - and instead they live and work as they usually do.
This is not because they are not scared, but they have hope.

They have hope for the country.

They also don't want to show any fear, so those up in the north, who have no houses, food, electricity, warmth, or even family, friends or lovers, have less fear.

I am in Tokyo right now.

I left it for two days, due to loneliness of all my friends leaving.

My best friend and my love, left.
No sign after their leave. Just the fact they were enjoying their lives.
Happy for them, but it wasn't very easy.

Me not being able to leave, being left alone, trying to convince myself that it's fine.

So I was thinking to myself it was all their fault, until I started realizing that they are just doing what they wanna do, and I'm just not a part of their lives as much as I think they are in mine....but well, tough luck.

I called around to see who's up for hosting me, found a very nice friend that has a really nice house back in Shizuoka.
Good food, good house, good town...it was very nice, indeed.

But enough of my weekend; the place I am spending my life in is going through much bigger problem.

We still have yet to figure out how to build up the economy and have the trust from the people towards the government.

It's tearing apart; people leaving Tokyo temporarily.

We need to stick together.

But it's late now, I will write later.

24.01.11

2011-01-24T03:57:00.001-08:00

I can depend on a lot of people,
but just not the one I want to depend on.

I might as well spend the life on my own.

23.11.10

2010-11-22T21:00:00.001-08:00

on the edge.
between fall and winter.
warm to cold.

being ok, to needing warmth.

05.10.10

2010-10-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

Praise us:
Project by Tetta

04.10.10

2010-10-06T09:07:00.001-07:00

Full of Happiness and Disguises:

On Sunday Linus and I went all the way to Yokohama to do a costume fitting for the parade we will be participating in China Town!

He seemed to really like Yokohama and I am very happy that we got to spend a nice post-reunion quality time there!

Poo to Paul for not hanging out with us!

02.10.10

2010-10-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

Fancy Him:

the first time Paul and I didn't fight in the cho.
He's a good guy when he isn't drunk. Phew.

30.09.10

2010-09-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

Arrival of Linus:

my best friend from Sweden came. We only spent a little over a month together in Gothenburg, but it was really the best time of my life in Sweden!

He will now be in Japan for 10 months and I just cannot wait for what may come in the future!

Thanks to my beloved roommate Yuka, she took him out for a day while I was at work:)

23.09.10

2010-09-23T08:09:00.000-07:00

Finally:

Puff Puff Parfait.

It was like those bingings on sweets after massive breakups.
Poor children with broken heart, going at the biggest parfait they had seen in their lives!

....and a bit of art for good digestion afterwards:

22.09.10

2010-09-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Setouchi International Art Festival:

A day begins with the sunrise, and it ends with the sunset.
Island hopping and seeing the new world.
----

The sea separated different worlds;
those worlds live on their own.

We absorb one thing from one island,
the memory of it is carried onto another one.

At the end it's just a clumsy mix of memories from all and is summarized as just one word, "setouchi".

14.09.10

2010-09-13T23:35:00.001-07:00

Just when the mind is at rest, after a happy birthday fiesta and all in all, I am finally becoming friends with the old friends and people that I had struggles with. Paul and I are going our own ways, our paths might cross again..., my body is starting to go kaputt.

My ear started bleeding on my birthday, a splash of blood out of my ear. Yeah, gross. Since a few days now the back of my head aches so badly that I go blind for a split second. I move my head to the left and it hurts, I move my head to the right and I almost have to scream.

I am really scared now, I don't know what is happening with me!

I don't want a good bye friends hello hospital life!!!

I just want to wake up and be all fresh and fine....

09.09.10

2010-09-08T20:05:00.001-07:00

I have a new nephew!
My brother's baby was born at 11:44 on September 7th, 2010.
A virgo, a beautiful baby.

I was out getting my phone fixed, didn't really know about it until much later!

It's so strange; that someone in your close family is going through such a dramatic moment and you are just spending your ordinary life. We were only about an hour away from each other too. I was probably just thinking, fuck this, my phone...broken, again. Something that's not so important, while my brother was probably sweating, wishing, worried, excited, and s u p e r happy.

I never really cared about my family so much, it's only when everything was too late. My brother did all the best for me, I think. He even came to my graduation, but I just got drunk with my friends and I didn't care about them so much.

I think it's really time for me to care.

But anyways, a massive congratulation to my bestest brother and his wife.

31.08.10

2010-08-30T19:13:00.001-07:00

read, study, read, study, read, study, love, play, read, study

21.08.10

2010-08-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a series of questions I've raised.
Questioning could irritate others.
Raising a question for myself to others,
or questioning things that are private.

From now on,
I shall start keeping the questions to myself,
and suggest things to others,
in a subtle way.

18.08.10

2010-08-17T19:54:00.001-07:00

I have been telling myself that I am fine, I am fine, I am fine;
Everything will be better.

But now I cannot even say that anymore.

I just needed help, which I never got.
I just needed comfort that I never got.

It just gets harder and harder as things are really sucking up my energy and time, but I am not getting anything back, except people telling me it's all my fault.

I'm just too tired to care about anything right now.
Less careful I am, the more I make mistakes.

I just need to apologize, nothing else.
I just wish I could say it's not my fault, and it's someone else's.

Even the fact I couldn't wake up on time before work because I was doing researches on the web for someone else; or even for the fact that I slacked off at work because my mind is too full of someone else.

Fuck, I need to get my life a little sorted out before I move on with this thing.

29.07.10

2010-07-27T23:38:00.001-07:00

Balls.

Three day weekend all to myself. Phew, it was wonderful!
It gave me a lot of time to think over things I didn't have time for.

I need to get out of this comfort zone.

I need to try harder to be valued.
I need to try harder to be liked.
I need to try harder to be skilled.

...but some things just don't work out even if I try hard!

26.07.10

2010-07-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

When Annie was here:

my best friend from college, still an amazing friend of mine, came to Japan for 10 days. A real lazy visit time, I must say. We didn't do anything exciting or party-like, except this one night on the boat; what an amazing deal it was, a cruise for 90 minutes including all you can drink for 2500 yen!
http://www.tokaikisen.co.jp/event/noryo2010/

I miss her so much!

12.07.10

2010-07-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

最近東京がつらいと思った時はこれを聴く。

What I have been lacking in my life are slowly being spelled in my brain.

I never take anything serious. Nothing, never.

Work, play, friends and relationships.

It's been like this and I've NEVER had a problem, unfortunately.

I mean I do like all of them, but I've always stressed out about any of them not going in the way I want. What a selfish bastard, eh.

It's this person that I am dating now, who is making me a better person. I've been learning how to really care about the person I like. Every time we have a problem, at least until now, I've been just blaming everything on him and victimized myself; although I am starting to realize, that the problems arise when I make a big deal about all these things. If I had just shut my mouth for a second and swallowed all the words, nothing would have happened.

Luckily, or thank you to P., we are still together. Phew.

I've been hanging out with my best friend Annie from the US, who is visiting me for 10 days. She's the one who's truly supported me in the last 5 years of my life. She's the one who knows the best how much I can get into something and not care about anything else. All the college romances too, of course.

Remembering the part of my life when I was a workoholic and didn't really have a real relationship is a good thing now. It's so different from my life of skipping work and instead facebooking and youtubing all day, or else talking to P; as well as worrying about what P. is doing and who P. is hanging out with etc etc.

What the fuck, I need to get a grip in my life. Perhaps I should start something that makes me think of P. a little less. I should perhaps check my phone every 10 minutes instead of 1.

All my friends that have supported me in the past - it seems as if they have disappeared from my life and I get angry about it, but who is it to blame? - me. I've only been hanging out with P. and have not cared about anyone else at all. Pfff, all the emails I haven't written back to them, are just screaming for my words on my phone and gmail inbox, with 841 unread messages.

My family was so happy to have me back in Japan but I haven't seen them for at least a month. They live only an hour and a half away. My pregnant sister in law doesn't even bother writing me an email anymore because I never write back.

I'm in danger I think. Getting angry for people not caring about me because I never care about them enough.

But before it's too late I've realized and I need to really try all my best to be a better family member, friend and a boyfriend....and an employee of course.

I am just so fortunate to be myself now. Much happier about everything now I have realized this.

I love you everyone, especially my sweetest Puggle <3

06.06.10

2010-06-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

It's hard to find an answer, when you don't even know what the question is.
The answer for now is to find a question that I can investigate on.

04.06.10

2010-06-04T10:19:00.001-07:00

遅めに起きて、
洗濯して
乾燥機はあえて使わず、
外で干す。

洗濯中は余った食材でランチ。
初夏のにおいたっぷり、ゴーヤチャンプルー。

沖縄、行きたいな、と思って
沖縄の友達に連絡。
行くかもーなんて言ってはしゃいじゃって、

ベランダからとんだ洗濯物を追いかけて
部屋片付けて
疲れたらお茶とタバコ。

大好きなトクマルシューゴ聞いて、
明後日のライブを想像して、

大好きな人を想って

夕方になったら
お出かけ準備して、

仕事じゃないからめちゃラフな格好でよし。

ギャラリー行って
大勢でインド料理食べて

小雨が降ってきたから早めに家帰って、
布団と服救出して、
眠いからとりこんだままの布団にぎゅー。

色んな人とスカイプで話して
今寝るところ。

なんか幸せな一日。

01.06.10

2010-06-01T08:30:00.001-07:00

NICE!

01.06.10

2010-06-01T06:16:00.000-07:00

I had a lovely weekend with Paul again.
We had a little bit of quarrel at the end, but it was all good.

Because he's a blonde, yeah yeah yeah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ol4oWChjzk

Lotteria is gonna start selling this:

Who wants to go eat this?

27.05.10

2010-05-27T10:49:00.001-07:00

Yeah, let's just be honest....

I suck.
I lie.

Honesty is what can save me from falling down.

23.05.10

2010-05-21T11:46:00.000-07:00

アーティーで
セクシィで
かっこいい自分になりたいっす。

今の目標は

遅刻はしない。
目の前の事に集中する。
友達を大事にする。

その三つ！

18.05.10

2010-05-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

Right path, wrong path, it doesn't really matter.
You just have to do it right, either way.

13.05.10

2010-05-13T06:51:00.000-07:00

欠点がありすぎの自分にも、
良い所が一つある。

それは、食べ物を絶対無駄にしないこと。

それと同じように、
目の前に置かれたやらなくちゃいけない事を、
やり残しにしないように

頑張ります。

むしゃむしゃ、
むしゃむしゃ、

もっとこいやーーー

08.05.10

2010-05-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

A little oasis in the middle of cold cold buildings where I work.

The sun is the only real thing:
the veggies are just objects that have been picked from the nature,
all sorted and laid out: fake.

I wish I could just say mmm what a nice weather, it's beautiful!
But I just have to think think think.

Why why why I say and you know you love it.

02.05.10

2010-05-01T22:24:00.000-07:00

I knew it was difficult for the other,
all those times.
I knew it I knew it I knew it.

\
I just needed to get one thing,
it was a fucking long journey of trying, trying, trying.

\
Left scars on the boy I loved.
That will never go away.
Just 7 hours it's been.
14,21,28,35,42,49,56,63,70.

\
Honesty is all that matters. He taught me one thing.
I want to show him what I've learned.
I want to tell him it's ok.

28.04.10

2010-04-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

Something is being fixed,
but then another thing becomes broken.

It's a repetitive process;
break, fix, break, fix.

It becomes easier as you learn either
how to fix something faster,
or what to leave unfixed.

The ones you leave unfixed,
you buy a new one.

24.04.10

2010-04-24T00:24:00.001-07:00

You only know it's enough when it's too much;

hence,

too late.

20.04.10

2010-04-20T07:39:00.000-07:00

Beheaded once, but I can still walk without my head.

19.04.10

2010-04-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

I thought it'd go forever,
but it just disappeared in a second.
Flash
Flash
Flash

then a darkness.

01.04.10

2010-04-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

Detatching myself from reality,
I feel more real.

22.03.10

2010-03-22T00:41:00.000-07:00

There,
there.

Here,
where?

It's easier to know where you want to go,
than to know where you are right at this moment.

I need inspirations.

21.03.10

2010-03-21T00:24:00.001-07:00

hahahaha

Click Here

--------

There are rhythms to languages. Different ones from different places.
Places.
Places.
Time.
Places.

The tempo gets faster and it could sound aggressive,
Slow is Mellow.
Deep is strong,
Light is joyful.

I feel like contemporary art I've been experiencing in the last few months have been deep and slow, with lots of stoccatos and accents.
Foreign accents.

Do you know that feeling, when you listen to a person talking in a language that is foreign to both you and them, but you can sometimes figure out that they sound foreign....?

I feeol that way now.

19.03.10

2010-03-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

Friday night for other people, but I've got a workday tomorrow.
Half day though!

I was hanging out with one of my housemates, Kie. We decided to head out to Ogikubo, a.k.a. Ogi, a neighborhood with small bars and all near our house.
(a 35 minute walk, a 15 minute bike ride or a 10 minute cab ride....)

We ended up spending loads of money just to get stuffed animals from UFO machines...we managed to get 5!

Korean pop is quite nice!!:

17.03.10

2010-03-17T01:38:00.000-07:00

I ate some bread that was waaay expired. Ugh, gross.
But my coworker Horie-san bought me a delicious lunch! Yum yum :)

I've just been working on nothing at work today. Is that a paradox, I think so.

I did some brainstorming for dangerous vs safe.

How to make something dangerous in the safest place on earth?
What does it mean to be safe?
Lack of danger, or full of safety?

I think I will do a little bit of investigation on the word "safe".

Look at what I found today:
Parasite Museum

15.03.10

2010-03-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

ECHO:
http://echo-shibuya.com/

a venue in Shibuya that reminds me of European bars.
Very chill, good atmosphere and you can dance in any way you want.

<3 Eri.

05.03.10

2010-03-05T10:06:00.000-08:00

I met two of my really good friends from New York last night.

One works as a web system engineer,
working hard and being successful.

One is a photographer,
full of dreams and eager to be successful.

Man man man, what the heck am I doing with my life?!

Inspiration:

04.03.10

2010-03-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

An exert from my sketchbook:

さようなら山本さん、今後ともどうぞ宜しくお願いいたします。私は肉が好きです。特に佐藤さんの庭の鳥がとても美味しいと思います。私の母は黒人です。いつもアフリカに電話してます。父は日本人です。彼の名前ソットンです。いつも野菜を食べています。

Good bye Mr. Yamamoto, it's a nice pleasure meeting you. I like meat. I especially like the birds that live in Mr. Sato's garden. My mother is black. I always call Africa. My father is Japanese. His name is Sotton. He always eats vegetables.

What is going on with me?

03.03.10

2010-03-03T08:35:00.001-08:00

Since the moment I came back to Japan

Lots and lots have happened.

19.02.10

2010-02-19T08:16:00.000-08:00

H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y Y O K O.

I forgot my camera, stupid me. I will definitely be stealing some photos from tonight on facebook.

Things are changing, it's not that bad at all, I'd say. If I think about it, what my company does is quite alright, I am meeting a lot of artsy people.
I should just be happy that I actually have a job, and many friends and the loved one.

I am very much inspired by Åbake, two artists that are staying at Tokyo Wonder Site Aoyama right now. They do all these crazy things:

I can't wait to see what they are gonna come up with next...

Man, I wanna do something crazy.
Something creative,
Something that I can put my soul into.

...Maybe I should just buy a hedgehog and wash it thoroughly.

28.01.10

2010-01-27T22:22:00.001-08:00

Just as I am sitting at work,
my heart is pounding really fast,
as if my whole body is predicting myself to go into some kind of trouble.

I woke up this morning, and the first thing I saw was an unfortunate accident with a train and an old woman.

I got to work and saw that it happened.

Perhaps I am getting some power from the oysters I ate yesterday.

Or they were magic mushrooms that looked like oysters.

17.01.10

2010-01-15T10:22:00.001-08:00

Last year around this time I was in Stockholm, probably remembering the trip to Reykjavik that I had gone on.

Thinking of what to do for thesis, going out partying with Eva, Mari, Christian and Gisel.

Dreaming about seeing the northern lights,
and seducing Sacharias into going there with me.

Late night in the studio,
talking on MSN with Tien.

This year I spend more than half of my life at work,
1/3 with Kie and Tugba,
1/6 online talking to Hubi, Annie and Yoko,
1/12 with Paul, and
1/12 being shaken on the train, while being squeezed by mash of businessmen and drunken college students.

Next year I'd like to spend it in the mountains,
surrounded by animals and fresh vegetables.

12.01.10

2010-01-12T01:16:00.000-08:00

Need for a change:

An urgent need for a documentation of my thoughts.
Personal stories that's gone public.

Hopefully this will be a step to bring my thoughts out to those,
who are going through similar minds and can relate to mine.

/////

The year of the tiger began with Paul (of whose name will be mentioned quite often here, for sure) and me being tigers. A house party with friends / new people. Exactly the way I like it.

Oh yes, a Happy New Year.

/////

ゆらゆらしてる海藻じゃだめ。
その周りを泳いでる金魚でもだめ。
動けない小石でもだめ。
えさあげ忘れ多い飼い主でもだめ。

じゃあどうしたらいいの？

11.01.10

2010-01-11T01:42:00.000-08:00

大好きな事こそ
不安になりすぎてしまう。
無くしたくないものへの執着心が
空回りしてしまっている最近。

ずっと欲しかったものが
やっと手に入って
大事にしすぎて

でもなくならなくて
ずっと一緒にくれるから

もっと大好きになり
もっと不安になり、

その繰り返す
このポリリズム。