15.01.12

Nostalgia

The sense of community, which I've longed for for a very long time. I've ways missed this feeling of having a place to go back to.

I am so jealous of people's Facebook updates that say "I am going home!"

I am not so bummed about it though, it's nice that I have good friends everywhere in the world but I just suddenly came to a thought that its something that is letting me down; making me less satisfied with who I am and where I am going. I almost forgot why I came to Japan. I wanted to come back at this age so I am not too old to come back to where my parents are from, where I was born and where my family is.

I just got a job in a field that I am specialized in, with the skills that I have, the languages, and just have been going with it, but slowly I am getting really bored and moreover I am getting frustrated with myself for being less and less interesting everyday.

I am no longer that exotic foreigner and I am expected to know all the social rules. But does knowing the rules mean following them? No.

I am very confused now. I don't know how I should be and hence what I ant to be. I don't know how to expressively anymore because I don't know what I want. I kind of want to ask a random person what I should be and just follow what the person says. I've tried Taft with my friends that I trust a lot but I always ended up bailing out because I believe it's something I should decide myself afterall. Then I do all these things to make myself stronger but I get lazy in the middle and end up hating myself for leaving those things half-ass. Shit, I'm really a mess eh.

So I don't know what I am trying to say nor why I am making this a public statement but I felt like I need to clear this out of my mind and say to myself, JUST DO IT as my former classmate Clara Terne said to me as an advice for how to get things done.

03.01.12

HAPPY 2012!!!

My goals for this year:
Be on time
Be honest
Be active

22.11.11

Went to Mt.Takao with coworkers and some artists staying at TWS! My first time going there and it was absolutely beautiful!! I got some two best fortunes so hopefully it will be amazing for the rest of the year!

15.11.11

There is nothing to be afraid of if you are not scared of losing something. I am not sure if it is anything but my weird pride that is bugging me and preventing me to break out of myself. I've recently lost interest in anything; job, hobby, relationship, friends... I took a trip with my friends and my significant other this past weekend and honestly I couldn't think of anything but whether they were enjoying it. It's really been so the whole time... I am always worrying about whether I am impressing the others well enough... Gag I need to stop this.

11.11.11

Happy muffin moment it was for me.

09.11.11

どうしたら

部屋きれいになるんだろう？
友達と仲良くなれるんだろう？
恋人と上手くやってけるんだろう？
時間通りに物事進められるんだろう？
多趣味になれるんだろう？
早起きできるんだろう？
人見知りなくなるんだろう？
物知りになれるんだろう？
余計な事言わなくなるんだろう？
尊敬されるんだろう？
嘘つかなくなるんだろう？
楽しく人生送れるんだろう？

08.11.11

It's definitely been too long of an escape from reality. It's been over two years since coming back to Japan and I just cannot say in any way I am doing well.

I kind of came to a quick realization of what is happening; I have been somewhat different, in a way a bit cool having lived in different countries and being able to speak some languages well enough to impress people to some level. In reality I ain't no different. I am rather a mean, unconfident and and yet a stuckup person. I have been kind of living comfortably with this fake reputation of being different but I am getting older and I am not new to Japan anymore. I am not that kid that just has just come back from abroad woo.
So I should just live with who I am rather than sticking to my past experienced. This actually is the first time I feel so believe it or not. I am not exotic anymore because of what I have done. It's time that I wake up and actually work hard to be exotic and special. I don't know how I will achieve this, or even whether I will ever, but the first step is to try hard at everything to the point I can say I am good at everything.